


Conversations With Vampires Who Won't Shut Up

by flurblewig



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-05
Updated: 2010-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-08 17:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/77931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flurblewig/pseuds/flurblewig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative ending to Conversations With Dead People - instead of getting stake-happy, Buffy starts investigating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversations With Vampires Who Won't Shut Up

"- and obviously I don't have to tell you how talented he is at that."

"No. No, you don't. You don't have to tell me anything about Spike's - well, you know. Prowess. In fact, I really think I'd prefer it if you didn't. How much further is this place, anyway? I know I wanted to break in these boots, but not on a twenty mile hike."

"You're changing the subject again. What's the matter, Buffy? Come on, don't get all prudish on me."

"Hey! I am not a prude! I'll have you know I have a very healthy attitude towards sex. I - what? What are you laughing at?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed, that was unforgivable. But really - healthy? Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against the 'happy family, 2.4 kids and a dog' thing. I think it's as boring as fuck, but - if that's what floats your boat then go for it. There's another end to that scale, though, and quite honestly that's where you're at, Buffy. No, wait, don't get upset - I'm not saying I think there's anything wrong with that either. I mean, let's face it - if everyone was healthy then what would you need psychologists for? I'd be out of a job."

"I think you'll find you've got a new job - wholesale mass-murder. Vampire, remember?"

"Well, I guess that's one way of looking at it. But that's so - I don't know, unpoetic? Is that a word? What I'm trying to say is that it's been done. Get vamped, go on a bloodthirsty rampage around half the known world. Yeah yeah, fascinating. Saw it on the Discovery channel already. I want to be different. Hey, we're here. This is the bar, right here."

"In here? Are you sure? It doesn't look very - ew, it smells. Did something die in here? No, forget it, don't answer that. God, this place is - okay Holden, this has gone far enough. I know you're lying. Spike would not drink in a place like this."

"You don't come here for the drinks, Buffy."

"Well he wouldn't come here to - to - look, will you just quit laughing at me?"

"Sorry. Really. You're just so cute when you're being naïve."

"I am not - okay, not even going there. This is not about me, it's about you. And Spike."

"So why is it so hard for you to believe? And what part are you really having the trouble with, anyway - that he sired me, or that he fucked me?"

"Holden!"

"Look, you can't have it both ways, Buffy. Either you want me to tell you what happened, or you don't. Which is it?"

"Okay, okay. I don't want to know, but I need to. Spill it. Everything."

"Let's get a drink, then. You look like you might need it. And I know I do."

"All right. Get me whatever you're having."

"Well considering I'm not that keen to start my mass-murdering career in the company of a Slayer, I'm thinking about a nice glass of O pos."

"Jesus. Okay, get me - I don't know, whiskey. Giles always heads for that when things get hairy. Holden, this place really is horrible. Why would you even come here, let alone Spike?"

"I told you, I like to be different. Here, try this. It's not actually whiskey as such, but it's close."

"Ugh. Was this what you were drinking that night? 'Cos that might explain a lot. Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this."

"It's a classic story, really. Boy meets boy, boy has mind-blowing sex with boy in back alley, boy passes out and wakes up in a coffin. Boy meets slayer, bonds over shared mind-blowing sex experiences, slayer lets boy go, boy leads happy and productive life. Existence, whatever. The end."

"Uh huh."

"What? You like the ending, don't you? Tell me you like the ending."

"I like the ending fine, but there's just one problem. You're not a boy."

"Okay, so I'm a boy vampire. Is that such a big deal? Okay, yeah, I guess to a Slayer it is. But hey, look at us - we're having fun, right? Just two old pals, having a civilised drink, catching up. Do I look like a menace to society to you? Well, any more than any of the other guys in here?"

"Tell me about Spike, Holden. Why - why did he do this?"

"Why? I don't know. Maybe he thought I was so good he wanted to keep me around to fuck for a few hundred years. Hah! There, see? That's what really freaks you out about all this, isn't it? It's not even the vamping thing, it's that he wanted me in the first place."

"That's got nothing to do with it. I'm just - if Spike's dangerous, if he's killing again, then it's up to me to stop it. That's all I'm concerned about. I don't care what else he does."

"Of course you don't."

"That's right."

"Sure. Absolutely. You don't care one little bit that Spike had sex with me. And I did mention the mind-blowing part, right?"

"Do you want me to stake you?"

"I just want you to admit the truth. To yourself at least, if not to me. Or him."

"I'm not admitting anything. To you or to -"

"Spike! Hey, man. How you been?"

"Spike, what are you doing in - no, never mind. Just tell me - do you know this guy? Spike, hello? Are you in there?"

"Buffy? What - who -"

"Spike, snap out of it. Come on, focus. This guy here. Do. You. Know. Him?"

"I've never seen him before in my life."

"Right, that's it. Holden, you're dust. But first, you're going to tell me who put you up to this."

"Hey! Ow, Buffy, that hurts. And Spike? That also hurts. How could you, man?"

"I don't - who are you?"

"Holden Webster! Webs? From Saturday night? Oh come on, you can't be serious. You cannot tell me you don't remember that blow job. No-one forgets a Webs special, no-one."

"Buffy, what the fuck is going on here?"

"I wish I knew, Spike. But I will find out. Holden, I'm giving you one last chance. Talk. The truth, this time."

"I don't know what to say, Buffy. I've told you the truth. I met Spike in this bar three nights ago. We drank, we went outside, we had sex, and then - I'm not sure. It gets hazy after that part. And then I woke up tonight, in the coffin. And then I met you. And here we are. That's what happened, I swear."

"We - we had what -?"

"Sex. Sex! And no, Buffy, I don't care if people are staring. We had sex, Spike. In the alley, just through that door. Sex. Intercourse. Copulation. A shag, a bonk, a poke, a goddamn fucking fuck. That ringing any bells for you, Mr Big Bad?"

"Look, guys - I'm all in favour of male bonding, but can we get back to the point?"

"I gave this guy the greatest blow job of his life, and he's trying to tell me he doesn't remember it. That is the point."

"No, actually the point is whether Spike killed you and made you a vampire."

"What? Buffy, are you out of your fucking mind? I would never - well, I mean, now, now, I would never -"

"Holden says you sired him. I want the truth, Spike. Did you?"

"No. No fucking way. At least, I don't - I don't think - "

"You don't think? You don't think? Come on, Spike. Draining a human? Turning him? That's not something you should have to think about."

"Buffy are you going to drink that? Because if not, it might spice this blood up a bit. I think they water it down, you know."

"Fine. Take it. I like my throat lining where it is, thanks anyway."

"Cheers. Bottoms up, eh Spike?"

"Spike, what's the matter? Talk to me."

"What do you think is the fucking matter, Buffy? I've got this git here telling me we were recreating the kama sutra in some alley, and that I fucking bit him, and you seem to be believing it - "

"I don't want to believe it, Spike. I don't. But - you've got to give me something, here. If you weren't with Holden on Saturday night, then where were you? Spike? Spike, answer me."

"I - I went out."

"Where? Where did you go? Who did you see?"

"I don't - I don't - "

"You don't what, Spike?"

"All right, all right! I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know. I don't remember anything about Saturday night. Or about any of the other nights. I don't - I don't remember anything."

"Told you this was good stuff."

"Holden, shut up. Spike, what are you saying?"

"I - fuck, maybe I could have done it. I don't know. I remember some stuff, I - I thought they were bad dreams, but - maybe they weren't. Maybe it was real."

"Of course it was fucking real. Want me to pick your cock out of a line-up to prove it? I'm sure some of these guys would oblige."

"Holden, shut up. Spike - how? How could this have happened?"

"What's the big deal, anyway? Why shouldn't he make little vampires? Survival of the species and all that."

"Well for a start - hello, Slayer? Not actually all that keen on survival of the vampire species. And Spike - well, Spike's different. He -"

"Buffy, don't -"

"He has a soul."

"A soul? For real? Wow. That's - that's kinda freaky. A soul, huh? So how does that work?"

"Buffy? Got some stakes on you?"

"Oh, lighten up. I'm interested in my old man, is that a crime? Come on papa, tell your little boy a story."

"Don't you ever -"

"Spike, take it easy. He's just trying to push your buttons. It's what he does."

"Spoilsport. But seriously, guys - this is really interesting. Don't you think so? A vampire with a soul - it's like a whole new evolutionary line. Think about it - does this mean I have a soul too? Does it get passed on?"

"I - what? No, of course you don't have a soul. Well - I don't - actually, that's a good point. Spike? Does he have a soul?"

"How the hell should I know? Does he look like he has a soul?"

"He kinda looks - I don't know. Normal?"

"I'd go with devastatingly handsome, myself. And if you're going to get that close, at least one of you could kiss me."

"Holden - "

"I know. Shut up."

"Well - he's irritating, he can't keep his mouth shut and he's obsessed with sex. Soul or no soul, at least you know he's yours."

"Buffy, that's really not funny."

"Sorry. I'm just a bit wigged by this whole thing. Nothing like this has ever happened before - has it? Did Angel ever - no, that's stupid. Of course he didn't. He didn't, did he?"

"Who's Angel?"

"Spike's - grand-sire, I guess you'd call it. He sired Drusilla, who sired Spike. Angel has a soul too."

"See! Evolutionary line, what did I tell you? Does - what's her name, Priscilla? - does she have a soul as well?"

"Drusilla. No, she doesn't. And weren't you just told to shut the fuck up?"

"All right, all right, calm down. What's the big deal?"

"Holden, drop it. Dru is - a sensitive subject for Spike."

"Huh. What happened then, did he forget fucking her too? It really doesn't go down too well, you know. Hey, watch it -"

"Spike! Stop it! Let him go. I said let him go, Spike. And Holden, I said drop it about Drusilla. She doesn't have a soul, and anyway it wouldn't have worked like that. Angel was cursed with a soul, Spike - came by his later. Differently. Angel didn't pass it to him."

"I see. Wow, you know you could make a really good T.V. show out of this stuff. It'd put Passions to shame. So - is this Angel guy anything to do with Angelus?"

"Angelus? What do you know about Angelus?"

"Nothing, really. It's just that Angelus was what Spike kept calling me. I thought maybe it was a, you know, term of affection or something. 'Gonna fuck you hard, Angelus,' that sort of -"

"Okay, that really is it. There are some horrors even a Slayer should not have to know about and that sure as hell is one of them. Holden - "

"Yeah, yeah. I got it, already. I'll shut up."

"That's right, you will. Or I'll fucking make you, all right?"

"What's the matter, Spike? You got something else you'd rather I was doing with this talented mouth?"

"Holden -"

"All right, there's no need to - okay, okay! I can be quiet. My lips are sealed. Here's me, shutting up. Right now. Not another word. You won't hear another peep out of me, I promise. Buffy? Please put the stake away, Buffy. I won't say another word, I swear. I swear, Buffy. Buffy...?"


End file.
